25 Republican-Approved Ways to Say ‘Vagina’ Without Offending Political Pussies

Yesterday, two female state representatives in Michigan were banned indefinitely from speaking on the floor of the State House because they refused to fall in line during a debate about abortion. The Republican who banned Reps. Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum said some nonsense about “decorum,” and another GOP-er took offense at her use of “no means no.” But this excuse doesn’t make a lot of sense, and so the women have been left to speculate about the real reason they were given the boot. Byrum spoke out of turn, but Brown’s most egregious crime seems to be using the word “vagina” in the presence of delicate Republican man-ears. So what’s a female legislator trying to defend her vagina against government intrusion to do?

Infantile slang! Here are 50 ways that Michigan women can use to refer to their “special husband zone” around men who find medically accurate words for women’s anatomy offensive, and suggested ways to use them in a sentence.

1. Love cave
Honey, can you go buy me some tampons at the store? My love cave is bleeding.

2. Baby chute
When I get home from work, I want you to put your mouth on my baby chute.

3. Forbidden area
It may seem unfair that Adam makes more money than Molly simply because Molly has a forbidden area, but that’s the way of the world.

4. Basement
The President inserted a cigar into Ms Lewinsky’s basement, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: “It tastes good”

5. Kid factory
Did you hear that Virginia passed a law requiring trans-kid factory ultrasounds for women seeking abortion?

6. Sin gash
My roommate’s not going out tonight because she has a yeast infection in her sin gash.

7. [uncomfortable silence]
Mr. Speaker, I’m uncomfortable with the government’s sudden interest in my [uncomfortable silence].

8. Man trap
Car insurance costs less because having a man trap makes you less reckless.

9. Hermetically sealed shame basket
Luckily, her gynecologist made sure to be gentle when prodding her hermetically sealed shame basket.

10. Spousehole
If I wanted the government in my spousehole, I’d fuck a Senator.

11. Schmegina
I can’t help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide-set schmegina.

12. Mystery machine
Don’t use flavored lube to make your mystery machine taste better.

13. Rape invitation
After sleeping with a man who claimed to be Joe Francis, Laura began experiencing discomfort in her rape invitation.

14. Wide receiver
Inez isn’t a slut; but her wide receiver is rarely unoccupied.

15. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil
Why is it that men think that women really love it when they jackhammer the shit out of their Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil?

16. Untapped resource
If you want to be tough, grow an untapped resource. Those things can take a pounding.

17. Inferiority complex
After a particularly difficult delivery, a woman’s inferiority complex may need a few stitches.

18. Spaghetti junction
After a romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast, Helen’s spaghetti junction needed a break.

19. Despair
The cool thing about this new vibrator is that it stimulates all of the most sensitive parts of your despair.

20. God’s stab wound
He told me I had the prettiest God’s stab wound he’d ever seen.

21. Penis house
I want to try using a Diva Cup, but I fear that my penis house is oddly shaped.

22. The not-so-fresh place
Moving from phonetics to etymology, ‘the not-so-fresh place’ originates from a word meaning sheath for a sword.

23. Pelvic interior
As compensation for their labors, men are given periodic use of a woman’s pelvic interior.

24. Kant
So few men understand how to navigate Kant.

25. Vulva

So there you have it! Nice, sanitized words for ladyparts that won’t scare Republicans. But a word of advice, for future reference: if you can’t bring yourself to say the name of the thing you’re trying to legislate, you should probably just let that shit go. It was never yours to begin with.

Photo by Vilor/Shutterstock.